and then there were none
All on my lonesome (well apart from the westies) for the first time in a very long time.
Big boy at preschool and small boy at the childminder for his first 2 hour session.
I know she is a wonderful childminder, she has a fantastic environment at home and a playroom full of noisy, colourful toys to keep him distracted from worrying where I am. I have had rave reviews from the other working mummies I spoke to but why is it then that when I closed the front door I felt a stabbing pain in my chest that I can only liken to the same feeling you get when you are about to have your heart broken into tiny pieces.
I think it is because this time round he really is the love of my life. Not that big boy wasn’t, I love him to the moon and back but this time small boy benefits from taking full advantage of last baby syndrome.
I done all sorts of text book no nos with small boy including letting him sleep in our bed every single night from when we came out of hospital until I was so exhausted from all his wriggling and scratching on my face in his sleep that he just had to go in his own room. I let him sleep on me in the day which rendered me useless and stuck on the sofa, which is great when there is good day time telly on but not so good when you need the toilet and hang on for fear of waking him. I would not be on Gina Ford’s christmas card list.
However, on the upside I am noticing and enjoying the little things far more this time because I spend almost no time worrying about whether he is a little bit snotty or 10 minutes off the feeding schedule on the back of the Aptamil box. He has gone off this morning with what must be a spoon of weetabix that has been wiped off his trousers but has left a little crusty patch with a slight sheen from the baby wipes.
So I am sat here now, trying to get on with my real job, and trying and failing not to be distracted by my new fantasy job of being a worldwide blogger, with an ache in my chest and thinking what am I missing out on, what if he says something new for the first time in the 2 hours he is away from me? Rather unlikely given in 8 months we have mastered only maaaama and buuubba!
As a working mummy or a stay at home mummy there has to be times when you are away from your little ones and you have to remind yourself that it is totally acceptable. I choose to go to work because well frankly I need to. The only way I would be able to stay at home is if we sold a car, sold the house and had a significant change in lifestyle. I don’t feel selfish wanting the things we are able to enjoy because I go to work.
No text from the childminder saying he has had a meltdown so I’ve made a cup of tea and got myself a slice of millionaire shortbread. I might let myself enjoy the silence just while I eat this then I will get back to feeling lonely!