Our hot dog Moose trying to keep out of the sun but failing. Nose still basking in the spring time sun.

Captured for macro monday

All on my lonesome (well apart from the westies) for the first time in a very long time.

Big boy at preschool and small boy at the childminder for his first 2 hour session.

I know she is a wonderful childminder, she has a fantastic environment at home and a playroom full of noisy, colourful toys to keep him distracted from worrying where I am. I have had rave reviews from the other working mummies I spoke to but why is it then that when I closed the front door I felt a stabbing pain in my chest that I can only liken to the same feeling you get when you are about to have your heart broken into tiny pieces.

I think it is because this time round he really is the love of my life. Not that big boy wasn’t, I love him to the moon and back but this time small boy benefits from taking full advantage of last baby syndrome.

I done all sorts of text book no nos with small boy including letting him sleep in our bed every single night from when we came out of hospital until I was so exhausted from all his wriggling and scratching on my face in his sleep that he just had to go in his own room. I let him sleep on me in the day which rendered me useless and stuck on the sofa, which is great when there is good day time telly on but not so good when you need the toilet and hang on for fear of waking him. I would not be on Gina Ford’s christmas card list.

However, on the upside I am noticing and enjoying the little things far more this time because I spend almost no time worrying about whether he is a little bit snotty or 10 minutes off the feeding schedule on the back of the Aptamil box. He has gone off this morning with what must be a spoon of weetabix that has been wiped off his trousers but has left a little crusty patch with a slight sheen from the baby wipes. 

So I am sat here now, trying to get on with my real job, and trying and failing not to be distracted by my new fantasy job of being a worldwide blogger, with an ache in my chest and thinking what am I missing out on, what if he says something new for the first time in the 2 hours he is away from me? Rather unlikely given in 8 months we have mastered only maaaama and buuubba!

As a working mummy or a stay at home mummy there has to be times when you are away from your little ones and you have to remind yourself that it is totally acceptable. I choose to go to work because well frankly I need to. The only way I would be able to stay at home is if we sold a car, sold the house and had a significant change in lifestyle.  I don’t feel selfish wanting the things we are able to enjoy because I go to work.

No text from the childminder saying he has had a meltdown so I’ve made a cup of tea and got myself a slice of millionaire shortbread. I might let myself enjoy the silence just while I eat this then I will get back to feeling lonely!

So we set off yesterday in the glorious sunshine that was bathing all the corners of North Somerset for a night away with our best pals and their little girl Ella (who just happens to be small boy’s sweetheart!). 

After numerous calls and texts from my father in law who doubles as our traffic line we managed to avoid any delays on the M5 and just as we pulled off at the Nottingham junction I breathed a sigh of relief.

Not only because we had managed a whole journey without saying “right that is it. we are getting a tv screen for the big boy”, although I did say one of those headrest adaptors for my husband’s iPad could be handy but the small boy had slept almost the entire way! We played some old car game classics, sang a few old time musical songs, Sammy’s current favourite is sing sing sing sing, everybody start to sing… and arrived to a perfect picky lunch of baguettes, masses of cheese and a homemade chocolate cake.

After a brilliant afternoon at Wollaton Hall and Deer Park complete with frisbee, ice cream and my husband rein-acting the You Tube classic “Fenton” with our westie Mabel (miles from the actual deer so no harm done) we headed home confident the children were worn out and we were in for a grown up evening.

Alas this was not to be as both bigger boy and small boy decided they just needed their own beds. Every hour half we took it in turns to run up and try and comfort our toddler in tears. It’s heartbreaking when you hear “Mama I need to go home, my heart is hurting”.

I am sure I am not alone in reaching an age when your child finds it hard to settle away from home just for one night. My big boy is really too big for the travel cot now too.

His bed is his sanctuary. He still has the sides up on the cot bed and has not even realised that he has the ability to climb out!

I hadn’t ever really thought about the separation anxiety he must feel away from home, his little safe haven. 

By the time we got to 1.30am and realised the clocks had gone forward my husband made the call to get packing and join the eerie empty motorway and head home. At this point the small boy had made an appearance and we realised he was not going to accept a whole night in Ella’s travel cot either.

So although I didn’t have ruby slippers on (they were pink but you get the joke) 2 and a half hours and 2 stops later for a little snooze for driver dada we carried two boys into their own beds.

I think we are going to have to sacrifice those one night stays away for a little while and appreciate little ones maybe aren’t as flexible as we thought, unless anyone has any good settling tips?!

Of course any friends are welcome to stay with us but we know now for our boys there really is no place like home.